EMail This Page - Print

The Wreck Center

Wilton Eldridge


The Student Recreation Center provides us with some of the best, if not, the only hoops in town. Actually, there are some pretty good ball players that frequent the middle court most days. But of course, there are the normal problems.

For example, when the games are close you will get the non-existent foul call to prolong an inevitable loss or at least frustrate the other team while arguing the call. It's all a part of the game and we accept, and in most cases, tolerate it. But there are other parts of the game that should not be.

I am referring to the uncanny team of mutant ball players that show up frequently and disrupt the whole flow of everything. Loogie Man, the Dangler, Refusal and Invisible Glob Stopper. Sure these names may be funny, corny or even just plain silly, but the damage being done is not.

Loogie Man does not hide his intentions and actually forewarns of his impending damage. You will hear a loud irritating rumble that comes from retracting throat muscles, which seem to summon all bodily fluids into a tight gelatin ball of mucus. Next comes the "thwptt," the noise made when the projectile is released onto the game floor. His secondary weapons are nostril torpedo. The telltale sign is when he inhales then places his thumb over one nostril.  It is still not determined if this is a defensive or offensive strategy to control a certain area of the floor, but it is nasty as hell and quite effective.

Refusal's namesake is given for obvious reason. This player refuses to brush his teeth, use deodorant, bathe or wash his gym clothes - his tactics are purely offensive.

The Dangler is a close cousin to Refusal, as he refuses to wear underwear. Considering basketball is a contact sport, we are left to question the motives of this player, especially since he is known for attempting to play tight defense at times.

 The Invisible Glob Stopper is a distant cousin to Loogie Man. With Glob Stopper, there is no throat rumble. However, when you arrive at the water fountain you will know he was there. You are forced to look at this chicken embryo as it dances to avoid slipping down the drain as the water flows around it.

You may or may not have found any of this amusing, and honestly it's really not.  So please, if you know these people or are actually one of them - spit in the garbage cans, not on the gym floor, track or water fountains.