Voices : How NOT to report a news story

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The Daily Egyptian is published by the students of SIU at Carbondale. Except during vacations and exam weeks, The Daily Egyptian is published Monday through Friday during the fall and spring semesters and TWThF during the summer semester."

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How NOT to report a news story

Dear Editor:

I would like to praise the Daily Egyptian for their extremely informative article about how to pick a bike lock with a Bic pen. Your role as watchdog for the SIUC community is truly priceless, and I am sure this article will stop people from trying to steal bicycles on campus.

In the spirit of this article I would like to take this opportunity to inform the SIUC community of some other dirty tricks going on out there in this crazy world, because I‚m sure once everyone knows about them, they‚ll be sure not to try them in the future.

The first is the old tried and true flaming bag of dog crap on the door step. Here‚s how it goes: Some dirty prankster fills a paper sack with dog crap, lights it on fire, leaves it on someone‚s doorstep, rings the doorbell and runs away. When the person answers the door, there is a fire in need of being stomped out, but much to their dismay the bag is full of crap, and at this point so is their shoe. Now what kind of dirtbag would do such a thing?

Remember I‚m telling you how NOT to do these things.

Maybe the Daily Egyptian should explain how NOT to make an MRE fumigator, too. Dirty pranksters make them with a military Meal Ready to Eat and Tabasco sauce. Throw one into a crowded room and the final result is people running out of the room with snot hanging down to the floor and eyes bulging out of their heads.

Once again we must be on the lookout for people pulling these dirty tricks, and remember, DO NOT DO THIS!!!

I‚m sure if we publicly share the dirty tricks that these dirtbags like to pull we can stop them dead in their tracks. It‚s watchdogs like the Daily Egyptian that are looking out for us in every way possible.

So once again thanks a million, DE. I‚m sure your efforts to inform the campus about how NOT to pick a bike lock with a Bic pen will have a huge impact on mitigating this problem.

Nicholas Schrementi
senior, English

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