Future investors: read below

Grace Priddy
Not another priddy face

I often wonder how modern combination-retail businesses ever came into success. Laundromats with ice cream parlors. Movie stores with tanning beds. Who thought of this? Where did this come from? I imagine some young entrepreneur walking through the comedy section one dull Saturday night (pasty-white, nerdy movie buffs never have exciting Saturday nights, believe me). He was trying his best to decide between "Tommy Boy" and "Black Sheep," when the idea hits him. "Hey, you know what would go really well with this tonight? A sunburn. Yeah, that'd be awesome... "

And thus it was born. Before long, it had caught on like gangbusters, and somewhere today, that genius, bronze-skinned movie mogul is sipping down martinis mixed by beautiful women and relaxing in his penthouse with the heir to the Swiss army knife fortune.

Who was willing to take a chance on this crazy idea? Can you imagine trying to get a bank loan for something like that? Wherever those brilliant investors are today, I hope they're reading the Daily Egyptian because I have a great new plan that's going to save a lot of couples' relationships.

The holidays are creeping up, and with more Christmas projects than I know how to expedite lately, I've spent more than a few hours shopping at crafts stores and fabric outlets. Tragically, this means my better half has also been forced to spend more than his fair share of the weekends trudging after me through jungles of silk flowers and rayon bolts.

I try to make it interesting for him. I send him on little missions to help me get done quicker. "OK, you want to find me some red machine thread?" And he's off like a rocket. He comes back, like a puppy wagging his tail, bearing the fruits of his most recent crusade in hopes that we can finally get out of this hell and go see something more interesting, like a National Geographic documentary about sedimentary rocks.

"Oh, darling, this is button thread. It won't work." He stares indignantly at me. "What do you mean it's the wrong kind? It's thread! It'll work!" And so I begin to explain the delicate intricacies among the entire J&P Coats floss line and the distinctions between red, burgundy and maroon. By this time he's out of earshot, moping down the aisle and grumbling something about "high maintenance." I find him a few minutes later in another section where he has busied himself by transforming an embroidery loom into quite the effective hula-hoop.

We depart and head to the electronics store, also known as the reason for man's existence. After five minutes, I'm ready to leave. Meanwhile, sweetie pie has already used his man-radar to locate the most expensive piece of equipment in the store and stands mesmerized by its orgasmic, high-definition quality. I'm already itching to leave, and we haven't even started to look for the cable cord I was told we came in here for.

I wander off in search of said cord in hopes that its discovery will free me from the dreary confines of TiVo, plasma televisions and all the other latest inventions from Hunter & Gatherer Inc. I follow a river of drool back to my awestruck darling and wave a black extension cable triumphantly between his glazed eyes and a giant speaker.

"Got it!" I shout above the roaring bass-boost.

"What? That's not the right cord," he scoffs.

"They all look the same to me," I whine.

He shakes his head. "That one's got two male components. We need a female component. I don't think you're going to find one of those in this entire store, hon."

I mumble as we set out on another long expedition through the electronic shopping gate of purgatory.

If only, I think to myself, there was one glorious store divided down the middle - fabrics to the left, electronics to the right. We could shop in divine peace for hours without even having to worry about the other one. Ah, what a magnificent place that would be.

Of course, come to think of it, in case any prospective investors are still reading, I think it should have a Laundromat in back, and maybe, ah, some ice cream, too. Then we'll never ever have to leave.

Not just another priddy face appears every Wednesday. Grace is a senior in architecture. Her views do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Egyptian.

Copyright 2009 - Daily Egyptian