Being gay makes dating hard

Ed Villarreal
How about no

Oh . . . crap.

My friend has had one disastrous relationship after another. After each ex, she calls me and swears off men for the rest of her life. The last time she said, "You know, it's times like this when I feel like I could be a lesbian. It's just that whole 'having sex with women' thing that wouldn't work out."

"That doesn't matter. I'm still gay, and I don't have sex with men."

Looking back, I wasn't always gay, I guess. I did have one girlfriend named Amy. She passed me a note one day which asked if I liked her. I grabbed my He-Man pencil and circled the "Yes" option from the options she provided. I officially had a girlfriend.

Our relationship consisted of sharing chubby smiles and holding hands in the hallway on our trips to the lunchroom or gym class. I guess that was a bit too intense for a couple of first graders, though. We drifted apart, assuming the other understood that we just could not be together anymore. That was the extent of my education in dating and relationships.

Later in life, I found myself strangely attracted to those of the male persuasion. It made no sense. I was raised to believe that men only like women and those who don't are subhuman perverts.

During the years, while everyone else I knew was dating and mating as if they were competing for endless fortune, I withdrew. I had no genuine interest in dating women and denied myself my interest in men. Any interests in relationships and sex were pushed to the back of my head and not addressed until after high school. I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 21.

Now, here I am, 26 years old, socialized, very well except in this one arena. I have the romantic skills of a first grader. The only thing that could make this matter worse is if I lived in a small town in Southern Illinois withering in a gay Death Valley.

Oh ˘ crap.

I absolutely hate small talk. So when I meet a guy, I have trouble getting over that initial hump in the conversation. What are you supposed to say? I usually go with, "So...uh?you like stuff? Because I've been known to?um?like?things. Stuff is?well?yeah. Call me."

What am I doing wrong?

It's a shame that I don't like women. I meet them all of the time with no problems. This weekend, I met an Indian woman whose beauty was fueled by a thousand infernos and had personality that would cause most men to forget the world around them, but not me. Yep, I must be pretty gay.

Keeping my options open, I have placed an Internet personal ad. After all, one of my best friends met the current love of her life through such an ad. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to sign on and see "There are 0 (zero) people interested in you" displayed on the monitor. And if I do get a message, it is typically from someone that was born while Grover Cleveland was president and is on the prowl for a "discreet encounter."

Clinging to my last crumb of hope, I have met guys from chat rooms. Why not? That's how my brother met his wife.

I'll tell you why not.

On one date, I just finished declaring my love of Radiohead. Without any sort of segue, my date tells me about his preferred sexual role. There's something wrong with knowing a guy just long enough to get appetizers and know that he's an aggressive pitcher. Needless to say, he never got to play ball.

Another date had Joey Ramone's autograph tattooed to his chest. That was actually one of his selling points. After he explained how the tattoo came to be, he talked about how excited he was to get his FOID (firearms ownership identification) card. It turns out he was paranoid that social chaos may ensue one day, and he wanted to be prepared. At that point, I was wishing for a gun myself.

Instead of murder or suicide, I have decided to complain. Sure, sometimes I beg the powers that be to make me a lesbian, too. Until that happens, I guess I'll just keep stumbling as I figure out what the heck I'm doing. Who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky and have a guy slip me a note in class. Wish me luck.

How about no appears every Tuesday. Ed is a junior in speech pathology. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Egyptian.

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