Geoffrey Ritter
Pulse Editor

Since the dawn of time, humans have terrified themselves with predictions of the end of life on Earth. At the start of a new millennium, some things just haven't changed.

We hope you've tied up all your loose ends.

We hope you've made your peace with God, or whatever you've decided to worship these days.

We hope you got your gas mask, because in a few days, lines will be stretched outside of Wal-Mart and all the way down Route 13, the pushing throngs rioting for masks and trying to get their hands on that quintessential of all survival supplies.

Water?

Not a chance.

Try duct tape.

Why, you ask, will all of this mayhem ensue?

Because, as has been revealed to the Pulse staff, the world is going to end. When, to be exact? Next Wednesday. April 16, 2003. 3:36 p.m. It will start with nuclear blasts from the sky, choking clouds of anthrax and a giant beast, sort of like Godzilla except about 892 times larger, consuming all of the earth's cities and chewing up orphans for dessert. Then the oceans will rise. For good measure, a meteor the size of Philadelphia will slam into the planet somewhere near Carterville. Needless to say, this will suck for a lot of us.

You don't believe us? Your loss. But bear in mind that we're not the only ones with a theory as to how it will end - in fact, the Internet is choked with loonies who predict that the world will come to a flaming end just about any day now. It would be cool to just call it a sign of the times, but this kind of thing way predates Iraq (that country that might destroy the world now), Y2K (that thing that didn't happen) or the Cold War (those bombs that never went off).

We're just the ones with lots of movies about it (of the top 100 grossing films of all time, 29 deal with the end of the world in some form - two films of the sort are in theaters now) and lots of books (the "Left Behind" series by Tim LaHayne and Jerry B. Jenkins are among the nation's top-selling books).

They all have their theories.

We have ours.

And here are a few others that tell us the world will end in some sort of fireball or a cataclysmic World War X.

'The Abomination of Desolation'

This one is brought to us by our good old friend Christianity (gotta love that Book of Revelations!), and it puts forth a pretty compelling story.

Here's how it goes: The year is 2007. There's a war going on in the Middle East, and things are pretty well at a head. So, what else is there to happen other than the appearance of the antichrist? As the Biblical prophecy goes (and the tale is collected from the books of Revelation, Mark, Daniel and Ezekiel, with all of this summarized on the website www.armageddononline.tripod.com), the antichrist, whoever he may be, will stand in the Jewish Temple in Jerusalem and declare himself God - a statement that stands to tick a lot of people off.

So, the Arab nations get their acts together and unite against the state of Israel. Egypt takes on the role of leader, and eventually Syria, Lebanon, Iraq (yes, Iraq) and Jordan all join in the crusade against the Jewish homeland. Of course, countries both east and west can't resist getting involved. Russia hops in on the side of the Arabs. America sides with Israel. A fight breaks out. The mega-powers launch nuclear weapons at each other. Two billion people - a third of the Earth's population - perish in the battle.

Of course, this puts things in perspective. Four years to live. One more presidential election. Only three more seasons of "The Simpsons." However, even these could be rendered moot if, before then, we're hit by ...

Planet X

This one happens this June, so hold off on summer plans for a month or two to see how this plays out. As the story goes, a mysterious 10th planet at the edge of the solar system, aptly named "Planet X,"comes the closest to Earth's rotation in June. The results of this? Our planet's rotation will stop for several days, causing various problems including, but not limited to, gaffes in our sanitation disposal systems. The fact that this planet's existence has never been proven doesn't hinder those who are already hiding in underground shelters. For the rest of us, though, there are bigger problems to worry about, such as ...

NEOs

That acronym is for "near-earth objects," for those of you not in the know. Ever see "Armageddon?" Kind of the same idea, except the thought of Ben Affleck being able to do anything about it is pretty slim.

There are currently about 100 scientists across the entire planet watching the skies for comets or meteors or asteroids or anything else that might give us a major problem. That problem can be summed up by the fact that a meteor the size of an average garage could annihilate a major American city upon impact with the Earth. One that hit Siberia in 1908, sized at a modest 80 meters in diameter, struck with the force of 200 atomic bombs and flattened trees for almost a 1,500-mile radius.

But would the problems end there? Not a chance. Should a major NEO strike the Earth - and the possibility is, in truth, a real one - it would trigger volcanoes and earthquakes all across the globe, releasing gasses that would dissolve the Ozone layer. After that, we get acid rain. And, in the process, the resulting dust would block the sun and lead to a nuclear winter.

Oh. One other thing. The impact would likely send a fireball thousands of miles into space, which would only stand to attract the attention of ...

Aliens

Go ahead. Laugh it up. But there are so many people who claim they have already been planted with alien surveillance devices -thus beginning the alien reconnaissance - that the possibility looms. Our options: fight back or run. The wise person would go with the latter.

After all, fighting back would only lead to one thing. And that could also be achieved by the inevitable ...

World War X

Sure, the Cold War is over. However, that doesn't mean there aren't still oodles of disenchanted people out there who would love to start a pissing match (It's hard to refrain from an America joke at this point).

But seriously. It is estimated that there are 40,000 nuclear weapons in the world today, and about 17 countries possess some kind of biological weapons. Nuclear blasts, of course, would have a tendency to incinerate anything within miles of the blast. Chemical and biological plagues, while somewhat more subtle, could be just as deadly. Inhalation anthrax released over a Russian city in 1979 wiped out 86 percent of the population; the bubonic plague, which killed 40 million people in Europe in the 14th century, can reproduce itself from just one bacterium to several billion in less than 12 hours.

So, concerned yet about the impending end? You should be. Buy up the gas masks. Stock up on duct tape. Call your mother and try to preserve your dog in the freezer, because before you know it, the end will be here.

It could be today.

It could be tomorrow.

But, just as likely, it'll be next Wednesday.