Out on the promotion trail for her debut album, "To Whom It May Concern," Lisa Marie Presley has been spending the week chatting up a storm about her bizarre mid-'90s marriage to Michael Jackson. In a series of interviews, the 35-year-old has insisted that she was in love at first with the cosmetic-surgery-addicted singer.

And yes, she did sleep with him. (The horror!)

The thrice-married Presley, whose subsequent union with actor Nicolas Cage lasted just 100 days, said Jackson would disappear for weeks at a time. She said one of the final straws was when Jackson claimed in an interview that her dad, the King, had had a nose job.

"He's very charming when he wants to be, and when you go into his world you step into this whole other realm," Presley said. "I can't say what his intentions were with me, but I can say it was the most real thing I think he's had."

OZZY BIOPIC?

The world just can't get enough of Ozzy Osbourne. Fans of the MTV reality series "The Osbournes," which has reinvented Ozzy from a heavy-metal prince of darkness to a cuddly (albeit addled-by-drug-abuse) dad, can now look forward to seeing his life on the big screen. Paramount Pictures and MTV Films are reportedly negotiating on a film about his, um, rocky life.

Doesn't sound like they'll be able to play this one for laughs, though: The singer dropped out of school at 15, worked at a slaughterhouse, and did jail time for petty theft before becoming lead singer for Black Sabbath.

So who should play Ozzy, who's been frank about the nervous breakdown he suffered when wife Sharon was diagnosed with colon cancer last year? (She's now cancer-free.) We vote for Russell Crowe. Talk about a guy in touch with his dark side. And his experience in "A Beautiful Mind" playing a man with a tenuous grip on reality, couldn't hurt.

WARD'S SEPTIC WOES

Former "Batman" actor Burt Ward, who played sidekick Robin on the '60s TV show, has been ordered by local authorities to clean up his dog poop.

Officials told Ward, 56, to fix the runoff from his Great Dane Rescue Center in Norco, Calif., which is polluting a local stream, or face fines and possible closure.

The former superhero second banana has offered to install a septic tank. He said local residents were "unfairly attacking because of my notoriety."

Lyric of the Week

"Bottom feeder, bottom feeder. Perfect the frosting, permit me to lick the beater.

Bottom feeder, bottom feeder. Our recipe's the same but your ingredients are sweeter."

˜ "Bottom Feeder" Shrug ˜

Just joking

Q: What did Saddam Hussein have in common with his father?

A: Neither knew when to pull out!

Best Bumpersticker

Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal!

Fascinating Fact

Need an argument for not going to war? According to U.S. News and World Report, Iraq owes the largest share of its national debt to - you guessed it - France, Germany and Russia.