A lot of big-name singers are canceling tours and shows for the sake of the war. Even Lisa-Marie Presley postponed a promotional tour for her debut album (and the world is safe for a little longer).

But it's not fair to the pop-hungry American schmoes who just want their MTV back. Why should our amusement be held in check because Saddam Hussein and George Bush are engaged in a pissing contest? Hell, if George W. gets to go golfing at Camp David, I want my Eminem Show.

However, in times of war, resources are limited, and by resources I mean frivolous entertainment. A-list celebrities are sticking to their peace guns, so we have to scrape together the entertainers who are most willing to perform for a wartime cause - the ones who haven't worked in a long while for good reason.

Let's reunite the New Kids on the Block for a world tour. For us to send out concert tours now gives Saddam Hussein the impression that this war is absolutely blasé, but to send out novelty acts like Sir Mixalot is just a big "screw you, not only are we throwing concerts, they're not even good." This is the big break that acts like Salt 'n' Pepa have been waiting for since the last Iraqi conflict.

How do you know if an act is right for wartime touring? Look at your list of stored mp3s on your computer. Find the ones you're too embarrassed to play in front of friends, the ones you hid under false titles to avoid shame. (Basement Jaxx anyone?) Those are the people who should be touring.

People might ask about the safety of the artists on these tours. What we'll do is send Michael Jackson into every venue as an opener to gauge the security risks. If he makes it out OK, then on with the show. If he doesn't, no big loss, there's always Lisa-Marie to replace him.

These tours would embark on a global scale, and don't think Iraq's going to miss out on the worldwide fun. All tours will converge in Baghdad. That's right, Snow "The Informer," Vanilla Ice, Bismarquee, Color Me Badd and Kris Kross will descend upon Iraq, and they'll have no choice but to surrender to our merry band of discarded pop acts. If that doesn't convince them, we'll drop MC Hammer in by plane (he can use his pants as a makeshift parachute) and they'll be entertained into submission.

So this is a call to Hanson, Sinead O'Connor, Right Said Fred and 2 Live Crew - America needs you, your career needs you, and then America needs you to go away again. Some people say we learn from our mistakes. I say we use our mistakes to brighten our future.

"Yesterday's joke can easily become today's superstar - and woe to those who forget vice versa." - Ira Robbins, liner notes of "Adam Ant's Antics in the Forbidden Zone."