"Dreamcatcher"

Starring: Morgan Freeman, Jason Lee, Thomas Jane

Directed by: Lawrence Kasdan

Running time: 136 minutes

Rated R

No Gus heads

What a bomb.

I'm not sure what other way there is to get into a review of "Dreamcatcher," a new film in theaters that may be the most inane, most reprehensibly awful big-budget film to come to the screen since Kevin Costner geared up for "Waterworld."

Seriously, folks. It's that bad. So bad that I spent most of the 136-minute running time counting seats in the theater, tiles on the ceiling, anything to make the grueling marathon of slop somewhat less painful.

The distractions only somewhat dulled the scar on my cinematic psyche.

And it comes as such as a surprise. Just take a quick peek at the prestigious list of names that brought the whole stinking package together: Screenwriter William Goldman ("The Princess Bride"), director and screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan (director of "The Big Chill" and screenwriter of "Return of the Jedi") and Stephen King (adapting from his own recent novel) all collaborated on the screenplay; box office names such as Morgan Freeman and Jason Lee head up the cast.

What could go wrong?

Everything. From ludicrously silly dialogue to moronic plot twists to not-so-killer special effects, "Dreamcatcher" bakes in its own stew of crap, broiling to a point where it is well beyond the simple status of bad movie. Instead, it jets into the stratosphere as a phenomenally awful film that serves as an insult to better-made B-movies.

It all has something to do with these four young buddies, echoing King's past success with "Stand By Me," who save a handicapped boy from bullies and in return are given special powers, kind of a "spidey sense," that come in handy years down the road. That's when they are on a hunting trip in the Maine woods, a blizzard overtakes everything, and they find out that aliens are invading. Ooh. Fun.

And then Morgan Freeman shows up, playing a vigilante military commander who's willing to sacrifice all kinds of innocent lives to deal with the threat. Our brave heroes must stop him, of course, but in the meantime, they're confronted with some slug-like creatures with lots of teeth (miniature versions of the giant vagina-in-the-sand from Kasdan's "Return of the Jedi") trying to get into the water supply and weird people showing up who have apparently been attacked by plague.

One of the buddies, played by Damian Lewis, even has his body possessed by an alien mind ( the green guy looks fake, by the way), mysteriously giving him a British accent. None of his friends seem to notice.

I could go on and deliver an impassioned diatribe against the film and what a foolish, laborious waste of time it is, but I won't. At least it had some production value. However, I would be remiss if I didn't mention "Final Flight of the Osiris," a silly but generally interesting computer-animated short playing before "Dreamcatcher" that further explores the world of "The Matrix."

Part of "The Animatrix," a nine-part series that utilizes seven directors to put "The Matrix" in an anime context, "Flight" is goofy fun from a franchise that is doing quite a bit to change how we see movies with groundbreaking special effects and a return to the serial format.

It's too bad it couldn't rub off on the feature presentation.

It's been reported that after Saddam Hussein addressed the Iraqi people on state TV last week, the station ran an American movie. How ironic.

If we gave them this one, it might be the last bomb we have to drop.