BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO- SO DO IT FIRST
The Single Guy
By Gary Gangi You stare longingly into your lover's eyes. You lean in to intercept their tender lips. You squeeze them tightly and rest your head on their shoulder.

Suddenly, you remember that you hate this person and everything they do annoys you. The end is near, and now it's up to you to decide how to cut it off.

There are many reasons people break up: "She talked too much," "He always left the toilet seat up," "The lazy eye got to me" or "He had a small penis." Whatever the deal-breaker, someone is getting dumped, so protect yourself by knowing the warning signs and end it first.

The best indicator things are going sour is your own gut instinct. If that's not enough, beware if your partner becomes unavailable and hard to contact, doesn't show you the same affection as they used to or is caught mounting your best friend. Those may indicate the need to call it quits.

Some people will end the relationship as soon as it's not fun anymore, while others attempt to hang on and get dragged over the broken glass of a shattered relationship in hopes of salvation. You need to save your own feelings and abandon ship with the last life preserver. Breaking up is a three-step process: avoidance, comfort and dismissal.

For avoidance, distance is the classic but cowardly way to end things without confrontation or a large amount of guilt. If you feel you must use this approach, you'll need to invest in caller ID. Screening calls is the best way to avoid someone, but if they happen to penetrate your phone's warning system (calling from an unknown number), you will need to have your excuses ready. I refer to them as excuses and not lies because it's bending would-be truths. Besides, it helps reduce the guilt factor on your part.

Saying that you are "really busy lately" is cliché. You can do better than that. Tell them that your doctor feels that dating anyone right now would add stress to your already weak heart. This isn't lying because a "love" doctor could have prescribed just that for your figurative "love" heart. See, it's simple.

Next, you have to let the person down easy, but not too slowly. Otherwise, they may catch on and it could get clingy and messy. The best tactic is to use the backdoor. Shower them with compliments and remind them why they are a great catch - all while setting the scene for heartbreak. This is the "I never saw it coming" approach. It works best to catch them by surprise and it's a lot more fun - kind of like dramatic irony.

Remember, it is always better to be the dumper. And, if you're starting to feel a tinge of guilt at this time, think of what a wonderful gift you are giving your future ex. They get to be the one who receives all the sympathy and they get to use the break up to justify all the one night stands they will be having to "get over" you. It's true - giving is always better than receiving.

When it comes down to the final act in this long-winded drama, you will need to preserve tact. Do not break up with them over the phone, anything computerized or in a Dear John letter. Face to face is always best. Try to be original about the break up. Don't use the traditional heart crushers (It's not you, it's me; I love you, I'm just not in love with you).

You have been creative thus far, so keep it up. Try not to blame it on them specifically, and never tell them it is something about them they can't fix - this will incite a new long term relationship with a therapist or plastic surgeon.

Blame it on a situation. Circumstantial break ups lessen the emotional toll on both parties. Think of it as the "your the right person at the wrong time" approach. Don't give them too much slack. Otherwise, they may see this as your way saying there is still a chance to get back together in the future. Be firm and clear and reiterate that there is no possibility for reconciliation outside pseudo friendship.

After it is all said and done, you may feel like you squashed a defenseless lady bug, but you could only have survived listening to that incessant buzzing in your ear for so long before you went deaf. Focus now on your newfound freedom and come join the rest of the singles - you'll recognize us, we are the ones at the bar drinking straight vodka.

Do what you will with my advice and don't take it too much to heart. After all, I am the Single Guy.