Gus Bode
Daily Egyptian
My money troubles are over. I just heard about these undergraduate assistantships in the different departments. Basically, you can get these jobs doing things such as research and whatnot.
I figure with me still being undecided, I can probably drift from major to major, making up these assistantships as I go. It can't be too bad. I've got a whole list of jobs I'm willing to do, and I figure after a few semesters, I can finally afford to buy that life-size wax statue of Orville Redenbacher. To many he was just a popcorn man, but to me,he's a god.
Then after a few semesters more, I'll get a bronze statue of our 12th president, Zachary Taylor, whose Southern Illinois indictment for the savage beating of some guy back in the day was recently revealed. He'll be holding a cane up in the air and the plaque at the bottom will have him declaring "I'll give you a thrashin!'"
But first I have to make that money, and I think these assistantships are the perfect opportunity. I figure I can make some jobs up and get away with it. First I'll join the College of Business Education. There, I will start a business that will benefit SIUC and, in turn, get me a cool $800. What I'm going to do is take some Voltron toys, paint them maroon and add fuzzy ears to them, making them salukis. Then I will sell them to children to Japan, who will sell them to children in America. I will call my product Saluktron, and he will have a big "SIU" painted on his chest. I figure SIU is probably the biggest thing in Japan right now, what with our Nakajo campus, and they are probably dying for saluki merchandise and for Jermaine Dearman and Kent Williams to make commercials for tiny little chocolate bars with toys inside.
Saluktron will be sold in five different parts and, I can only assume, will become a cartoon. The leader, making up the head and body of the final form of Saluktron, will be Saluki maroon, and the driver will be a dashing young pilot name Hiro. The right arm will be a bit darker than the Saluki maroon but maroon nonetheless. A big, scruffy, crazy guy named Hank will pilot it. The right arm will be lighter in color than Saluki maroon and will be piloted by a cautious young lady who secretly loves Hiro named Princess Frillyfluff. The right leg is also lighter than Hiro's saluki, but not quite as light as the arm piloted by Princess Frillyfluff. This saluki will be piloted by 12-year-old super genius, Keiko, a spunky little girl who also has a crush on Hiro, putting her at odds with Princess Frillyfluff. Finally, the left leg will be a darker maroon than Hiro's saluki, but not quite as dark as the one piloted by Hank. This one is controlled by Dash, a heroic young pilot. He will be Hiro's rival and will look strikingly similar to Hiro because he is really his brother. But because of some tragedy in their family's past, Dash can't bring himself to tell Hiro.
The best part is that I'll save a whole lovin' spoonful of money on the action figures. They'll all have the same bodies, just painted differently and with different heads of course.
Of course, the characters need an antagonist. This will be Prince Zorocaine, who will look like a complete pretty boy with a very Liberace-like voice. He, like every other guy in the universe, will be in love with Princess Frillyfluff.
Now, I'll have to include some SIUC figures in this of course because they're probably icons there too. Walter Wendler can be the good-hearted king who is always giving advice but isn't too good to be plucky comic relief every once and a while.
The really cool part about this is that SIUC will be making billions, and I'll get my $800 a month. That's right, the future of SIUC is Saluktron. The University will have wads of cash, and I'll be that much closer to owning the statues of my heroes. Remember kids, you will be able to buy Saluktron someday for a measly $50 per figure! While supplies last!
Gus Bode can be reached at slooflirpa@hotmail.com.
Published on 11/17/05; 12:24:44 PM
