Gus Bode
Daily Egyptian
OK kids, I'm confused. President Reagan spends enough money to buy about 100,000 DeLoreans on this Star Wars thing and it's just missile defense.
I thought it was going to do something cool like drop Baby Ruths from the sky. Instead, it's here to protect us from the evil communists. Ooooh, look out for the big, bad communists. Please President Jellybean, protect us from the Soviets. You know, if you didn't have your head up your butt, you would've seen that the Russians are our friends. Otherwise, why would they let Yakov Smirnoff grace us with his comedy styling?
Besides, we should really be afraid of the Australians. I think that while we're busy looking at the Soviets, the Aussies are blinding us with their koalas and their Crocodile Dundees. In the end, Yahoo Serious will rule us all. Sure, it's just "Young Einstein" now, but I think he's going to get into drama, earn his place in America's heart and then he'll take over. Mark my words, soon it will be President Serious.
I don't buy this fear of the Russians. They haven't even really done anything. Besides, switching to communism for me is like switching from boxers to briefs. I don't really care. I'm going to be broke and starving in the end anyway. Especially now that I think I'm finally graduating. When they beat my top score in "Pole Position," then I'll be cheesed off.
Another concern I have is how this Star Wars thing actually protects us from nuclear missiles. I just don't get it. Does it shoot it with a laser or something? What if it misses? The missile gets through and we shoot Madagascar with a big friggin laser.
Or does it interrupt TV and say, "Warning! You're about to be violated by a 20-foot-long nuclear missile." If that's the case, there's no point. We're all screwed anyway. I'd rather just live the last few moments of my life watching "Webster."
If I had a satellite thingy I wouldn't use it to shoot missiles down. I would use it for the one thing that makes us true Americans. I would use it for television. In my American dream, people of all races and religions will be united by five different HBOs.
Better yet, I would use it for time travel. I could go back in time and prevent the burning of Old Main, stop the release of the new Coke or rig the Oscars so "Maximum Overdrive" would win Best Picture.
But best of all, if this thing does shoot lasers, I would use it as a souped up microwave oven. I can see it now. I would build this big platform, enter the coordinates and BANG! I can cook a herd of cattle in 12 seconds. Imagine what this could do for McDonald's.
But what if the Russians - or the Australians - really do want to smoke us? Well, your friendly, neighborhood supergenius has thought of that too. Just in case we do get turned into cream cheese, I built a bomb shelter. The framework to my six by seven feet shelter is built from my discarded paper towel rolls, taped together. It is covered in aluminum to protect me from the blast and I'm covering it in sunscreen to keep out the radiation.
To keep me alive, I will fill my little bunker with frozen dinners, milk and Cap'n Crunch. Of course, I'll have to run the extended electrical wires from my place for the fridge, microwave and TV - gotta get my "Golden Girls," so I had to cut a big chunk out the side. A little radiation never killed anybody.
And, for the sake of argument, if the missiles hit and the commies do kill us, I don't see what the problem would be. Ronnie would be gone, as would most people, and I could step up as America's only hope. Then I would fight the communists to the death, unless they were aggressive. Then I would probably just become a commie myself and lead us to be the greatest communist nation ever.
Gus Bode can be reached at slooflirpa@hotmail.com.
Published on 11/17/05; 12:24:44 PM
