Gus Bode
Daily Egyptian
Well, my loyal following of students, faculty, community members and German Shepherds, your friend and colleague, me, is looking for yet another way to break into the media.
I've been in the Daily Egyptian damn near 50 years. I got on CNN during the last Halloween riots, throwing mace and pissed off badgers into the crowd. Only days later did I find out they were rioters. Now I'm going to Hollywood - the city, not the video store - and figuratively, I'm not really going to California.
Anyway, I'm going to star in my own movie. Right now, I just have a script in mind, but I'm going to get around to writing it after I finish watching the "Godfather" trilogy, the "Star Wars" saga, "Gone With the Wind," "Seven Samurai," "Yojimbo," "Ran," "Sanjuro," every other Kurosawa flick, "Fellowship of the Ring" and "Cannibal Women from the Avacado Jungle of Death."
You know, for inspiration.
But my movie will make all those films look like the Lifetime movie of the week. My movie will make "Citizen Kane" look like "Bio Dome." My movie is called "Double Decker Gus."
Now, because I love each and every one of you - especially the sorority girls - I'm going to give you the plot to the summer blockbuster that will make Roger Ebert quit his job, because he will never, ever see a movie this brilliant again.
The movie will start off with a black screen saying "One day ago, in a university far, far away - if you live in Mongolia." Then, it will go back to black and the words "Gus Bode" will storm onto the screen in yellow, much like "Star Wars."
But unlike "Star Wars," there will be no John Williams score accompanying the crawl that tells of my plight. Instead, my heroic story will be introduced by Three Dog Night's "Joy to the World."
Then, the camera will pan down and reveal Pulliam Hall against the night sky. I will be standing in front of the building, shirtless and practicing with a ninja sword, throwing cantalopes into the air and slicing them with bad-ass accuracy.
Then it will cut to the next day with Chancellor Wendler, played by Ving Rhames, at a press conference announcing a radical new idea for the campus. To avoid crosswalk problems, SIUC will introduce a new double decker bus, like the British have, to drive students around campus. To promote the idea, a lucky handful of students will ride in the bus for a test run. Wouldn't you know it, I'm one of the names that is called.
So, before being let onto the bus, my sword is confiscated, leaving only my wits and mastery of every martial art in the world to be my guide. I sit down on the upper level next to a calm, serious blonde that happens to be none other than Ellen Degeneres. She has her arms crossed and stares straight ahead.
I ask her if she's nervous, and she replies with "Mind your own business, Nerf-ball." I want her already.
The bus takes off without a hitch from the parking lot at the Communications Building. Just as we pass by Neckers, the crowd hears a helicopter overhead, then several thuds on the roof. Then, about 16 men dressed in black bust through the bus windows and announce the vehicle is now in their control.
They say they are a terrorist group from North Dakota and are sick of the lack of attention they are getting. Apparently, after "Fargo," they thought the state was going to gain popularity. But after it fizzled out, they decided they would kidnap a bus from SIUC and demand the government give them their proper attention. Then I explain to them how much the government cares about the University, and they change their ransom to $1 billion. I explain again, and they reduce it to $28.34. If they do not meet the demands, they find a way to bring back Yahoo Serious. The government quickly agrees.
I decide to take matters into my own hands. I stand up and kick one of the terrorists in the face while doing a back flip in true Bruce Lee fashion. Some of the goons fire at me, but I skillfuly block the bullets with some nicely timed kicks.
Ellen helps out too by grabbing one of the guys and throwing him out the window. Then she grabs onto my hands and I swing her around, kicking one of the guys in the face. Then she looks at me and I look at her. We stare for about seven minutes, and we embrace. But there's no time to experience the unmatched luvin' that is Gus. I have to take out the trash.
Basically, I fight the rest of the terrorists in a spectacular display of studliness for another hour and eventually save the students on the bus, modern movies and the American right to steal ideas from the British.
After the dust clears, Ellen and I meet eyes and I tell her that with my action hero lifestyle, I simply can't handle a long-term relationship. That and I'm kind of a slut. So I turn and walk into the sunset with Herman's Hermits' "Henry VIII" playing in the back.
Pretty good right? I think I'll win at least 13 Oscars for it. So far, New Line, 20th Century Fox and Paramount have turned me down, and Mirimax said they would do it if I could set it in 19th-century Britain and put Judy Dench in it. But Troma's looking pretty damn good.
Gus Bode can be reached at slooflirpa@hotmail.com.
Published on 11/17/05; 12:24:44 PM
