Gus Bode
Daily Egyptian
Well kids, it never fails. Every time I need love, I get nothing but emails from those who have nothing better to do than send me their latest porn offering.
I was so excited when I got my new mail address to run with my column. I thought, "Now my loyal fans can email me with stories about how my column got them off crack - or put them on it." I thought I would get e-mails from young, freshman sorority girls about how they saw my picture, and how they now have to turn their backs on their religious upbringing and give into the lust that can only be quenched by Gus and his supernatural powers of luvin.'
I would have even settled for a message from some kind of psycho who wants to gut me with a rusty fishing knife and use my small intestine as a jump rope to whip himself into physical perfection. Then when he reaches his desired physique, he would have practiced his strength by throwing my head like a shot put. You know, something like that.
But all I get is email from these dumb porn sites that want to give me free, unlimited access to all the horny, young teens I can handle. Sites offering me the ability to hypnotize women into bed - actually I looked at that one, and then screamed in disgust when they tried to charge me for it. And yes, I'm quite happy with my breast size.
Every day I get 20 more of these. The subjects of these emails read something like this: "FREE pass to XXX movie site;" "TEN.com, eXXXperience the difference;" "Darryl luvs Gus;" and "Flashing teens - Farm kink - Free pics! : >." I breathe a sigh of relief whenever I actually get emails offering to get me out of credit card debt. I'm thinking of sending them pornographic pictures of myself or John Goodman until they stop.
During all the rage and hatred of deleting that worthless spam, it came to me. I can probably make a lot of money in the e-mail business.
OK kids, the hair-brained schemes are coming to Uncle Gus again. Here's my plan. I will hide a subliminal message in each document, telling people to send me $2. By the time Playstation 3 comes out, I should have enough money buy it on opening day. My plan is perfect!
I can take a hint from all the e-mails I've received to find a way to get the people to open my subliminal messages. First, I have to look back at the basic human needs, which are food, money, sex, sanitation and the ability to buy quality hedge clippers for a reasonable price - I don't know how many times I have tried to construct a perfect image of Billy Dee Williams playing Harvey Dent in "Batman" out of my neighbor's bushes, only to be foiled by cheap hedge clippers. Instead, he ends up looking like his role of Commander Skyler from "Alien Intruder."
So here's what I'm going to do. To cater to the food need, the subject will be, "Eat 600 pounds of haggis and never gain a pound." I'm not sure what haggis is yet, but my mail-order bride-to-be from Scotland says it's delicious. All she said was it comes from a sheep, and it will be all she cooks when she gets here.
The next need is money. So my message will be, "Make billions while sitting on your ass all day while watching TV and eating 600 pounds of haggis while not gaining a single pound." If I could make money doing one thing, it would be sitting on my ass all day and watching television. And if haggis is as delicious as my blushing bride-to-be says it is, that'll just make the offer irresistible.
Sex is the easy one. For sex, I'll just offer a way to make love to beautiful super models every day while sitting on your ass all day, watching television and eating 600 pounds of haggis.
For sanitation, I will promise the greatest invention ever proposed. I will promise a toilet that flushes to the sound of Henry Kissinger singing "Tiny Bubbles." Imagine how great that would be. I'm actually working on that for a side project.
The hedge clippers will sell themselves. So I'm thinking that, maybe after 56 years as an undergraduate, I may have found my calling. I'm going into the e-mail business. Watch out kids. You're going to be sending $2 to me pretty soon.
Gus Bode can be reached at slooflirpa@hotmail.com.
Published on 11/17/05; 12:24:44 PM
