Codell Rodriguez
Daily Egyptian
Let's make things clear in the world of cola.
Soda - or pop for all you kids from Chicaaaago - is a huge part of my life. It's all I drink for the most part. If it wasn't for my daily bowl of cereal and the occasional carton of chocolate milk, I wouldn't get any calcium, and my bones would have the same strength as a piece of matzo bread. But this isn't about my health. This is about my addiction to carbonated beverages.
So, as a soda jerk, I need variety. And what I want right now is Crystal Pepsi. Now, for those who don't remember, Crystal Pepsi was introduced in the early '90s, and it failed miserably. It was basically Pepsi without the brown color. Now, most people I talk to say it was disgusting, but I found it quite refreshing. But what I want to do is help Pepsi bring the clear cola back.
Now you're not dealing with some run-of-the-mill weirdo that's just decided that he wants Crystal Pepsi. Oh no, I'm a weirdo with a track record. When I got to sample Mountain Dew Code Red in New York and found that it was nowhere to be found in Carbondale, I bitched, moaned and complained to acquaintances and co-workers until it came true. I didn't actually talk to Pepsi, but I think if I complain enough, something dealing with the balance of the universe will make it so.
Then I started to think about how in the old days, there used to be Vanilla Coke. So I gave my family an earful about how they should bring that flavor back until it came true.
So now I'm going to bring back Crystal Pepsi. Now this is a special case where my super complaining powers may not be enough to bring back the red-headed stepchild of cola, so I'm going to help the people behind the Joy of Cola come up with a marketing campaign to bring back clear soda.
First, you're going to need a popular song. At first I thought you could use Britney Spears and have her wear crystal clothing, but it seems the princess of everything unholy is starting to lose popularity. So instead of replacing Van Halen's "Right Now" as the theme song, let's just hire P. Diddy to do a remix. It'll be the same song, just with the occasional "yeah, uh-huh." Then when nobody expects it, he can throw in a "it's clear."
Now, because clear cola has been done before, you need something fresh and inventive to make people flock to it like flies on a dead squirrel and say, "I'm going to buy that product because it's fresh and inventive - like a dead squirrel." So my idea is to distribute the soda in a clear can. There's got to be some kind of technology to make aluminum clear these days.
Finally, appeal to people's personal benefits. With Crystal Pepsi, the drinker's teeth are less likely to get all brown and nasty. Slobs that pour soda all over themselves wonít have big, nasty, brown stains all over their favorite white t-shirts. And the last benefit is people who don't want to be health conscious, but want people to think they're health conscious, can put it in their water bottles and enjoy the taste of Pepsi while people think they're drinking water.
So what do you think, Pepsi? Can we see a resurrection of everyone's favorite black sheep of the carbonated beverage world? If not, can you send me the recipe so I can make it in my sink?
Codell Rodriguez can be reached at crodriguez@dailyegyptian.com.
Published on 11/17/05; 12:24:44 PM
