Dave Musser ob1dave@cs.com
It's absolutely indestructible! You can throw it in a fireplace, hammer it with an ax or attempt to pull it apart with the strength of 10 brutes, and regardless, it will still note the due-date of your 20-page research paper, your girlfriend's birthday or any other news that's too important to write on your sweaty paw. It's the one book that controls all others: the Dawg Book. It seems to have all the makings of a divine intervention, however, things aren't always what they seem. And besides, there's always room for improvement - Dave style.
First off, the cover is a little bare without a portrayal of the man who's gotten more college girls to take-it-off than any other pimp I associate with. It was Playboy magazine that dubbed us "the party school" and therefore the man behind all, Hugh Hefner, deserves to be immortalized.
Now flip the cover over and on the back you'll find a directory of student health services. How come there isn't a listing of the one place that crossbreeds all five food groups in the presence of a warm pillowey bun and delivers it to your door in less than two minutes (faster than a speeding ambulance)? The Jimmy John Mafia is patiently waiting for an answer (knuckles cracking). Squint your eyes over to the next page. Funny isn't it? "The how much do you like the Dawg Book survey."
I seriously doubt anybody who reads my column is lame enough to fill out one of these. What it really should be is a survey of how much we hate taking surveys. Thumb through a little more until you come to the "Year at a Glance" section. If honesty is the best policy, then how come this section fails to document the barrels of coffee and countless crates of No-Doze we consume throughout the academic year in order to stay awake during boring lectures. Zzzzz, "Starbucks," please.
Wow! I didn't even realize this book had a class schedule page until now. Here we have headed margins for class times, course names, credit hours and so on. But, somehow, it seems to be lacking a "Nap-Time" margin. Is a well-rested student not a proficient one? The University should think about taking some of that extra dough from the tuition hike and hiring a group of sleep-a-demic advisors to help us formulate next semesters napping routine.
Flip to the next page and skim over the day planner. Powerful isn't it? It does a super job of listing the special events that occur on a given day. However, it fails to mention whole wheat crust night at Quatro's, and quarter draft night at Pinch, so it's back to the drawing board with this one. Also, a three-dimensional map with a built-in robotic arm that grabs us by the ankles and drags us to the nearest whisky bar would significantly help familiarize new students with our surrounding economy.
And behind this newly crafted map section, a corrected version of the bus schedule, one that takes into account the two hours wasted kicking cans in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I was warned about selling my Vette! Notice how I conveniently forgot to add the "Che" part in front of the "vette". They call that a poetic license; too bad mine was revoked for sleeping in class. All this talk of sleep is making me hungry.
Hey, what's this? There isn't a buy one Big-Mac get the other one free coupon in this so called "coupon section." This little commodity can be especially beneficial on a date because your sandwich is free once she pays for hers. But if I've learned anything in Economics class, lunch is never "free." I've often paid for free dining at the Student Center through the opportunity cost set forth by the kind towing people of Carbondale.
Sometimes it completely slips my mind that we're in the towing capital of America and that's why behind the coupon section there should be a punch card page - receive seven punches and the eighth tow is free. That brings us to the back cover, which should have a picture of me sitting in an author-like pose.
For those on the Dawg Book Committee, I hope my suggestions will help with the construction of next year's edition. Thanks for reading! You have been great, and I have been Dave.
A Tout Le Monde appears every other Friday. Dave is a junior in automotive. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Egyptian.
Published on 11/17/05; 12:24:44 PM
