The Daily Egyptian is published by the students of SIU at Carbondale. Except during vacations and exam weeks,
The Daily Egyptian is published Monday through Friday during the fall and
spring semesters and TWThF during the summer semester."
Editor's note: To protect the identity of the sources and their families, their names have been changed.
When "Bobby" was 6, he smelled something so wonderful that it stuck with him nearly 15 years later.
He was at his friend's house and could not decipher the sweet aroma. He asked his friend what was creating the scent, and his friend casually told him his mother was baking cookies.
Bobby was unfamiliar with the smell of fresh-baked cookies because in his household, the stench of bourbon and marijuana was the norm.
Bobby's story is not uncommon. He is one of 11 students who attend the on-campus Adult Children of Alcoholics support group, which is led by Ken Culton.
Culton, the coordinator and clinical counselor of alcohol and other drug programs, said the effects that alcohol and substance abuser parents have on children is an issue unknown to many.
"These adult children have had traumatic experiences, most of which are classical of living with another's alcohol and drug use," Culton said. "The support group is a place for them to heal."
The ACOA support group meets once a week with the goal of helping students deal with the effects of unhealthy environments. Along with ACOA, individual counseling is also offered.
"Elizabeth" is an SIUC graduate student who receives counseling from Culton.
Elizabeth grew up with an alcoholic father and an unstable mother. Her father drank heavily and abused cocaine, Quaaludes and marijuana.
"He drank a case of Busch beer and smoked three packs of cigarettes a day," she said. "It just shows his level of commitment to alcohol."
Along with living in an unstable environment, Elizabeth and her younger sister witnessed the physical and verbal abuse of her mother.
"I had to be proactive," she said. "If I got involved, I would get hit."
When Elizabeth was 14, her father lost his job and moved the family to a small cabin in Missouri. She said the house, which had no running water or electricity, had horrible living conditions.
"I decided to move in with my aunt and uncle when I was 15," she said. "Adjusting to living in a normal house with rules and boundaries was difficult to get used to."
Elizabeth said she still feels guilty and selfish for leaving her family, especially her younger sister.
"If I didn't leave, I don't know where I would be today," she said. "It was a self-preservation move."
Elizabeth has made efforts to speak to her parents, but after a visit home for Christmas three years ago, she has not spoken to them.
"He took every chance he could to call me fat," she said. "The verbal abuse had the worst impact on me. We can't even get along for 12 hours."
Even though Elizabeth said she would not trade her childhood experiences, the effects of alcoholic parents have stuck with her.
She has had a boyfriend for the past five years and said she has difficulty dealing with the unconditional love factor.
"It's hard to trust," she said, "because in my family, there were conditions for love."
Elizabeth said mimicking the environment children of alcoholics lived in only creates a cycle of abuse and hurt. Her father's father was also an alcoholic and abused his wife as well.
"It does take a conscious effort to break the cycle," she said. "But it is worth it."
Elizabeth said her childhood experiences have made her a stronger person, and the counseling from Culton has helped her understand herself better.
"I walked into Ken's office and talked," she said. "I walked out with a weight lifted off my shoulders."
Elizabeth encourages students to take advantage of the programs the Wellness Center offers.
"I have been to five counselors, and Ken is the best," she said. "A lot of people have a bad stigma with counselors. But he understands because he has researched for years."
Even though Culton said each story and each person is different, the pain, loss of self-esteem, anger, shame and resentment children of alcoholics feel can go unresolved if the issues are not dealt with.
"Mary," an SIUC student and an adult child of alcoholics, said even though she is still angry, she has benefited from counseling.
"Both of my parents were and still are alcoholics," she said. "It is hard to even describe how difficult living with them was."
Mary was the oldest of her siblings and said she was robbed of her childhood.
"They were out being the teenagers," she said, "while I was at home trying to find food for my younger brother."
Growing up, Mary's parents brought her along to the bars because they didn't want to pay for a babysitter.
"I remember telling my mom that my eyes hurt from the cigarette smoke, and she would just tell me to go get a wet paper towel and go back to partying," she said.
Most of Mary's childhood friends were other children who were brought to the bars by their parents as well.
"After I had my baby, I went back home to show my parents my child," she said. "My mom wanted me to bring the baby into the bar to show her friends. After arguing, I finally agreed. When I went in the bar, I saw one of my old childhood friends. She repeated the path of her parents. It was sad. Her toddler took its first steps in a bar."
As a teenager, Mary dealt with her environment by following in her parents' habits.
"When I was 15, I started dating a 21-year-old," she said. "Looking in retrospect, it makes sense why I dated an alcoholic and drug user because that is what I was used to."
Mary began skipping school, smoking marijuana, using acid and cocaine and sneaking out of her house.
"It took me getting excessively drunk to realize the effects of drinking," she said. "When I woke up and didn't remember anything, it was from that moment on that I never got drunk again."
Mary said she wished she could have "normal" parents because parents are supposed to be there to give advice and support.
"Sometimes I need a mother. I want to be able to ask her to come over and have a cup of tea and see her grandchild, but I can't," she said. "I have a loss of a mother, and my father is dead to me."
Mary said it is important to know that "we are all products of our environment," and it made her who she is today.
"It is hard to figure out why I am not sitting in a trailer, smoking and drinking with five kids," she said. "But I am happy with who I am today."
Mary is now married with one child. She said she still is concerned about her younger brother who still lives with their parents.
"I am worried," she said. "He is swimming in a sea of retardation. I hope he comes out OK."
"My parents never taught us healthy habits," she said. "My brother was eating Cheetos for breakfast, and there wasn't a problem with it."
Mary, who is a member of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, said both of her parents have been arrested for driving under the influence.
"It doesn't occur to drunks that a mother and child could be in that car they might hit," she said. "It's sad."
Mary said seeing Culton for individual counseling is the best thing she could have done.
"Now I realize that everything happens for a reason, and I am a stronger person for what I had to deal with," she said.
Mary said she has become self-aware of herself and said everyone needs help at one point or another.
"There is hope out there, and I want to tell everyone who might have gone through a similar childhood that you are not the only one," she said. "Don't be scared to go get help. It is not too late."
For more information, call the Wellness Center at 536-4441.
