Whatever it takes

Commentary

If there is an injury bug, then someone needs to take a hammer and beat it until its guts explode.

No, better yet. We should make it suffer and take its six or whatever amount of legs the pest has and pull them off one by one and pour salt on the wounds until it begs for mercy, and then we smile at the merciless arthropod and kill it.

I am not trying to be sadistic, but the bug has practically killed the SIU football team's season. Why shouldn't we get payback?

Losing 'Touchdown Tommy' Koutsos was bad enough to stomach, but then Muhammad Abdulqaadir arose from the sidelines to squirt his 5-foot-7 body around the field to possibly record the best six games in NCAA 1-AA history, and the Dawgs played some amazing football.

BUT.

This past weekend against Southwest Missouri State, Mo went down with a broken thumb and is lost for the season and the Salukis have fallen in two straight.

But have no fear - especially after losing two Payton Award candidates in the same year - because I have conjured up some ideas on how to turn the season back around, again.

The first idea is risky and would take some ether and brave students to pull off.

I have a car, and those who are willing can ride with me to Columbus, Ohio.

When we get there, we will put on camouflage and sneak behind Ohio State freshman phenom Maurice Clarett and knock him out with the ether. If that doesn't work, he will be really euphoric and will laugh a lot and say and see funny things, but ignore him when that happens. Dangit, we have a mission at hand here people.

And I hope those with me bring a hammer or mallet to knock him out cold. Mind you that he is rather large and his legs are the size of kegs, and all I will be able to do is bite his ankles a bit, and my halitosis won't be any use since his ankles don't have an olfactory nerve.

But keep in mind to be gentle; this man-child is our season here. Once he is out, we will bring in "spooks" to brainwash him to think that he has always played for SIU, we will dye his hair blonde and give him another name, like Pete. Pete is the least suspicious name possible - trust me.

Now, if this doesn't work, and I get the inauspicious feeling that I am the only one here who would be prepared to go through with this, then we have to buy a player.

This won't be cheap, I warn you, so we need to come up with a quick fund-raiser to get the Benjamins. Car washes, walk-a-thons and auctions won't work; therefore, we must go for the gold - Krispy Kremes. But these will cause our campus to fatten up, so finding another campus is a must.

Illinois State is my choice. They are always so proud of having some amazing male-to-female ratio, and they have it way too easy, so it is very well deserved. While that goes on, I will pimp my body off to the highest bidder, which will come in handy for an eighth of a tank of gas or a pack of Wrigley's gum, the large pack - I have some self-esteem.

Once enough cash is in hand, we will purchase some mercenary running back to make our option run again like a four-legged dog racing in a special Olympic race for dogs. It won't be fair.

And the perfect running back to do this deed is former Bears standout Curtis Enis.

Joke.

But one runner I have in mind is former Olympian Maurice Green.

Now, he doesn't have the world record anymore, but still, he is as fast as a man running to the bathroom after eating six plates at a Chinese buffet. And he is cut like a dehydrated lioness.

He has nothing better to do anyway, since he lost his record. It would be wrong of us not to offer this deal to him and let him wallow in self-pity.

If these both fall through, then there is one last option: line up four receivers and run and gun.

The option is a fun thing to watch, but these are wins we need and Joel Sambursky has been efficient, to say the least, when he has had the opportunity to throw. Also, the defense will have to spread out to cover the massive amount of receivers, which will allow Sambursky, who was clocked at 4.5 in the 40-meter dash, to show some moves.

He has the ability to run and also has the advantage of having long hair, which swings to the opposite direction of where he is cutting. This would easily throw off defenders and make them look foolish after being juked by his brown locks.

If none of these ideas work, then, well, crap. But let's hope they do.

The sport season for football fans was looking awesome at one point when the Bears were 2-0 and SIU was turning a 180 from the previous, um ... 15 seasons. This is beginning to get depressing and head coach Jerry Kill will have to act like Anna Nicole Smith and take massive amounts of Prozac and other happy pills.

If all these "radical" ideas don't pan out, then as students and supporters of the football team for three weeks - don't be fair weather like Rams fans- we must do whatever it takes to get this turned around so at least the team will have a good taste in its mouth for next year. Give them a hug and tell them how much you care, write a card, send a video (clean) showing your support. The other video goes to me.

Yes, basketball is right around the corner and one could easily give up on the boys on the gridiron, but spring is a lot more boring when one can't look forward to football.

Zack Creglow is a freshman in journalism. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Egyptian.