Pushing the bandwagon forward by any means necessary

Commentary

My hair was maroon and has since faded to a nice and fruity pink, my voice is dead and I think I may have busted a knuckle.

Thank you SIU athletics. Being a Saluki fan is starting to cause medical problems other than depression.

As if it weren't bad enough that Homecoming cost me my hair and voice, upon hearing the news of SIU's victory over Northern Iowa, I hit my knuckle on the ceiling of my aunt's house in Evansville, Ind., and bruised it.

I would have been at the game, but I was still in Indiana after watching SIU's other surprise team, volleyball, crush the Aces and a few other teams.

Due to the events of the past two weeks, The Daily Egyptian sports desk is officially on the Saluki fall sports bandwagon, and judging from what I saw of the highlights of Saturday's win, the campus is coming along as well. (The Mojo meter is pure genius by the way, so don't let it die.)

According to a Daily Egyptian fan poll, 75 percent of those who bothered to respond believe the Salukis can win the Gateway conference.

So in the words of Springfield Mayor "Diamond" Joe Quimby, "Very well, if that is the way the winds are blowing, then let it not be said that I do not also blow."

The Salukis' bandwagon is gaining members by the day, and if I, a skeptic Cubs fan who has been burned on numerous occasions, have jumped on it, they have to be good.

So imagine my shock Monday when I found out the Salukis only made No. 25 in the Sports Network Division I-AA Poll and were not even ranked in the USA Today poll.

No. 25?

How dare they pour sugar in the gas tank of our bandwagon.

SIU football beats Western Illinois, disembowels Northern Iowa, and the best it can do is 25th?

Granted, it has lost three games, but one loss was in double overtime to Division I-A Eastern Michigan, and in another star running back Muhammad Abdulqaadir only carried the ball five times.

The Salukis, as they are now, have only lost one game. The Murray State loss was Mojo's first game in which he saw decent action, and he only - and I use that term very loosely - only gained 168 yards.

But still, the national media insists Saluki football is worth about as much as a Winston bagel.

SIU has proven it is at least a competitive team if not a very good one. And the team did it with a lot of people, most notably myself, laughing when it suggested it could compete with anyone above peewee level.

The Salukis have shown they are not only for real, but that they are beginning to look surreal.

Joel Sambursky, a freshman, has not thrown a single interception this year.

Abdulqaadir is the nation's leading rusher and continues to run through defenders as if they were arthritic senior citizens.

The offensive line continues to create holes large enough for five Mojos to run through.

Head coach David Copperfie ... I mean Jerry Kill continues to plug in trick plays so successfully that if he is not careful every coach in the Gateway Conference will soon be an alcoholic.

This team is electric but cannot seem to find recognition as such. So what should it do? What can be done to remedy the injustice of this week's poll?

I have a few suggestions, some ethical, some not.

And since ethics are boring and evil is entertaining, I'll keep the ethical suggestions to a minimum.

Hunger strike

Stop eating until the Sports Network and ESPN/USA Today gives the Salukis their just desserts - no pun intended.

For the players who live in the dorms, this will not be difficult.

Nonviolent passive resistance

It worked for Gandhi, and he was only 5 feet 5 inches tall and weighed barely more than 100 pounds. I'm sure Brian Akins and Wesley Proctor, who weigh a collective 625 pounds, will be able to resist British soldier beatings for much longer than an average starving Indian peasant.

Propaganda campaign (subliminal if necessary)

Flood Bristol, Conn., with catchy leaflets that say, "Salukis are not only known for brewskis" and "Vote for the Dawgs. We can play football, even in clogs."

Or something clever. Whatever works.

Bribery

I'm sure there's a rich alumnus out there with questionable ethics. Should such a fine human being give a phone call and write a check to the right people, the Salukis could find themselves in the top 10.

Terrorism

Yes, it's drastic and illogical, but that has not stopped countless groups from burying their respective causes under the rubble of blown up buildings. Only an imbecile with the IQ of a mentally challenged ape would use this method.

Now where did I put those blueprints of ...

Kidnapping

Even though the voters for the Sports Network poll are sportswriters, I'm sure one of them has a loved one. It's possible.

Assassination

This could prove effective but has a similar drawback to kidnapping. No one cares if sportswriters die.

Straight-up conquest - hostile takeover

A formally declared war would be quick. The Saluki offensive line would be a tremendous garrison, and Sambursky would not miss from behind it.

But since the defense may not hold the position, this may not be a smart option.

Looney Tunes method

Buy a tire pump, blow up a few players to the point they fly, and have them drop anvils on the polling headquarters until SIU is in the top 10.

If that does not work, do not try again. Send away to ACME for an entirely different solution.

Winning

The inside word is that Kill feels this is the most viable option. If SIU wins every remaining game, it will be in the playoffs regardless of what anyone thinks.

Not to mention that the winning method does not require jail time or costly anvil purchases.

Michael Brenner is a junior in journalism. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Egyptian.