A Call to War

Commentary

Iraq v. the United States now looks like it may never happen; the war on terrorism is lacking in entertainment value and the Russians still like us.

So where can a deranged war-crazed CNN junkie turn for hours of war coverage? What will satisfy the bloodlust of the unwashed masses?

A war between Murray State and SIU.

Yes, I'm serious - Racers vs. Salukis.

I want every student with the mental capacity for speech to call up SIUC Chancellor Walter Wendler and demand that he declare war on Murray State - the school that happened to be present when Koutsos and company were reduced to just plain company.

The Racers were on the field when SIU lost the player that single-handedly turned the Salukis from an 0-11 team to a 1-10 team last season, and they must pay.

On Monday, a certain sportswriter for another newspaper wrote a commentary calling out athletic director Paul Kowalczyk to suspend all play with Murray State because of the Racers' numerous personal fouls.

But why stop there? A mere breaking of diplomatic ties would be a rather lackluster response, especially if Murray State is stockpiling biological or nuclear weapons in addition to Saluki facemasks,

SIU should strike now, while it is still temporarily insane and before the Racers develop anthrax, smallpox or water balloons filled with shaving cream.

Even if the rumored disease and advanced balloon development turn out to be a lie, the Salukis do have grounds for a declaration of war just the same.

In fact, they're already at war.

The American Heritage Dictionary's second definition of war is described as any condition of active antagonism, and the Racers actively annoyed SIU all night Saturday.

Murray State aggravated the Salukis with eight personal fouls and four face mask penalties and, some would argue, was responsible for taking the heart and pancreas out of the Salukis by injuring Koutsos.

After the Racers committed 19 penalties for 161 yards, I wouldn't be shocked if Murray State quarterback Stewart Childress shook down Joel Sambursky and took his lunch money.

You may be thinking at this point that I'm a deranged lunatic who should not be allowed near a computer, let alone a person.

But the fact that you are right is irrelevant.

SIU could beat Murray State in a conventional war, especially if Wendler institutes a draft. SIU would have twice as many soldiers. It would be 20,000 against 10,000, so what's stopping us?

Sambursky and Kristie Kemner could lead the school's air attack, backed by Amy Harre and Jake Alley, who could heave artillery shells over the front line. SIU could use Jermaine Dearman and Kent Williams as snipers.

War would be a welcome distraction for students who are tired of their classes, so Wendler may not even need to draft anyone. They would all volunteer in exchange for an "A" - or maybe a beer.

I've even gone through the trouble to write a speech the chancellor could use to rally the troops -

Sept. 14, 2002, a date which will live in injury. The Southern Illinois Salukis were suddenly and deliberately attacked by air and ground forces of the Empire of Murray State....

We hold these truths to be self-evident that not all running backs are created equal - that they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights that among these are speed, agility and the power to disembowel anyone that takes away their first two rights....

Four score and seven years ago, it was 1915....

I have a dream that one day a running back will be able to lie at the bottom of a pile of Jabba the Hut-esque lineman without fearing injury. I have a dream today!

A speech that riveting would inspire the SIU student body to demand vengeance.

The only problem, however, is that it will never be spoken. Apparently, the administration is a little gun-shy about warmongering.

"That was just an injury," Kowalczyk said of the Koutsos incident. "Word has gotten around and some think it was part of the dirty play, but that certainly was not the case. Doggone unfortunate is what it is. We're trying to put this game behind us, look to the next and move forward."

Apparently, Kowalczyk prefers rational means to irrational and psychotic ones, which is why I'm putting the burden of starting a war on you, the student.

Let the administration know logic will not be tolerated and that you demand we shed blood over Koutsos' wrist.

Or would you rather go to class?

Mike is a junior in journalism. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Egyptian.